Against my better judgement – and that not for the first time – I call S on Sunday evening. Predictably she doesn’t answer her phone. The first and only acknowledgement of the missed call comes on Tuesday night, a full fifty-two hours later, when she texts to apologise for missing my call, citing being tied up with chores and ironing.
Given she is someone I have been trying to get a face to face with since early July; and who pulled out of yet another agreement in principle to meet up the Thursday before the Sunday on which I call her citing busyness again; it does begin to strain the limits of credulity to imagine these are just random, real limitations on time as opposed to a fully intentional strategy to avoid meeting up.
My continued fixation with meeting up has a lot to do with gaining closure – at least in my head. Given it all seemed so great for the first three months, I’m keen to understand what went wrong and what I can do to avoid that with the next person I meet and who I feel could be a potential long term connection. My friend K describes my mental state as merely showing a remarkable ability to seek out punishment; perennially holding out for the unavailable woman rather than the girl next door who actually thinks my quirky, geeky self is worth a punt.
With S, I suppose if it wasn’t clear enough before, it is now… S and I are going nowhere fast, except maybe downhill… And for my sanity, I need to do something radical to get her out of my head.