Having given the subject of my proposed trip to London to see LK a lot of thought, I resolved that the sensible thing was not to go through it. Two main things stood out in my head as valid reasons for this position - she was due to go away for a much deserved holiday the day after and didn’t deserve to go under a cloud, and perhaps more importantly I felt we were at a level of irritation at which constructive conversation was well nigh impossible. I thus penned a lengthy email exploring my feelings and explaining my decisions which I intended to send through to her after we had had a quick chat.
When I broached the subject of the trip on Wednesday night, and provided a summary of the rationales behind my decision, she asked if reconsidering was something I was willing to do, on the condition that the ‘us’ elephant wouldn’t come up. That I enjoy her company very much is something I have gone on record to affirm and re-affirm. It was thus a no-brainer to do just that.
The flight to London was delayed at Aberdeen thanks to ticketing problems, late arrivals and all the other things that can go wrong, meaning I arrived a full 30 minutes behind schedule, which perhaps set the tone for a slightly awkward start to our evening. A flurry of text messages were waiting on my mobile by the time I got off the underground and managed to orient myself at the Waterloo Station.
Dinner @ Cote was brilliant - our shared calamari starter was ace, my steak was flavour full, if the chips were a bit salty, and we capped the evening off by sharing a Praline Crêpe which I thought was very good. I am famously non fussy with food, so perhaps my opinion counts less, but LK did seem like she enjoyed her meal too. All in all, it was a pleasant if understated evening, one we managed to navigate without segueing into dodgy, choppy waters.
From a being friends perspective, it was a great thing to do; enjoy each other’s company and have a relaxed evening. From a defining a way forward one, it was far less a roaring success. As my little thought experiment surmised, what LK and I know about each other is more consistent with her position, one of cautiously inching forward, rather than mine which is increasingly looking optimistic and foolhardy. As I do, she has quirks of character which might worry me in the long run. My love language is quality time and I suspect that if I truly loved someone, I might not bear being away from them for an extended period. Between her natural personality, her much noted need for ‘her’ time and space, and the lurking desires to go away for an extended period to work across West Africa, that we would necessarily be apart for an extended period is a real and present threat. Bottom line is that based on what I know so far, it’s no slam dunk that we wouldn’t have any major fall outs based on how we both process people and relationships - quite differently.
Coming away from the dinner and catch up, the overwhelming sense I had was one of a lack of resolution. Not helped by the fact that she turned and hopped onto her bus without so much of a wave back, or a text upon arrival to confirm she’d arrived safely. I did text to confirm that she did though, at the time my N9 from Caring Cross finally arrived at Harlington Corner, well past 1.00am.
One has the sense that it is an ending of sorts. Perhaps there is a need on my part to ease off and scale back on my emotional entanglement here, hopefully so that I can arrive at a level more consistent with what LK and I really are at the moment - good friends who may potentially grow a romantic connection in the future. It may be time to truly go back to the drawing board, lose the expectations and just enjoy being me, and being friends.
Next day on the way to the airport, I got a message from her - somewhat cryptic given how out of keeping with the conversation we had been having at the time it was - You’re an awesome guy. If any one sentence encapsulates the ambiguity between LK it was just that. Whilst it was a great sentiment to express, given the lack of context, me the pragmatist ended up left with more questions than answers - is there an unspoken but at the end of the sentence or was this just a compliment for me to accept for a start?
I am probably over-thinking it.. But I really wish things were a little easier and clearer.. The alternative may be to just up and leave… The goat of my ambiguity aversion doesn’t do hazy very well.. :(