The morphing of what began as an interesting way to spend my summer Fridays last year into full scale wedding planning has left me feeling ragged and in need of a time out; the colours, people and costs involved being mind boggling for a bloke who has built the last few years of his life around his me time. Far from feeling like chickening out, I’m more grateful than miffed, seeing as becoming a husband and a father are key components of my life plan.

Whilst thinking about what the underlying drivers for the sense of disjunction were, seven things stood out as being the most important for me.

  1. The cultural differences: With S being Yoruba comes a certain expectation of pomp and circumstance, over and above one that comes with being Nigerian. My inner minimalist rails at that. Sadly I am learning that it’s her day as well as mine and adjustments must be made at my end to accommodate all of this.
  2. The endless deliberation about colours and fabrics: Related to the above, the numbers and variety of colour combinations I have had to mull over in the last few months - who would have thought that teal, turquoise and mint are different colours - are the tip of the iceberg with respect to the mental torture I have been dragged through.
  3. The hierarchical (Nigerian church) situation: More than a few times comments made by the church she attends, essentially making stipulations about time and attendance at meeting have riled my inner independent. Once past the initial defensiveness, the wider import - the fact that these are folk volunteering their own time and energy, and genuinely trying to be helpful - calms me down. I am learning to suck it up and get on with it.
  4. The distance: The primary hassle associated with all the pre-marital classes I have to attend. Enough said!
  5. The overwhelming influence of friends and people who feel they have a stake: Being the private kind of chap that I am, friends who demand attention are alien to me. This is yet another source of friction between S and I from time to time. The most recent example of this was catching the eye of one such friends in church and failing to acknowledge them. That earned me a very strongly worded comment
  6. Government red tape:The added complication of having to bring my family over
  7. The sense of needing to depend on others: Learning, chastening experience, growing me