Dating on A Geek's Life

A New Beginning

Tue, 01 Nov 2016 12:06:14 +0000

Just under two weeks after S and I had out first serious spat, the subject of which was the pace or lack thereof of our thing, I ended up sat on a couch in Chelmsford, meeting her parents. The opportunity had come together very quickly, they being around and I being able to find a couple of days to make the trip to meet them.

The meeting itself felt at times like an interview, an inquisition and a friendly chat; good in the sense that it put into context the protective nature of the relationships S has with her wider family. On the way back, I broached the difficult 6-month, ‘Us’ question, her choice of answer - what do you think - suggesting that perhaps events had overtaken that by far. That I agree with. So here we are then - official, in a manner of speaking. Beginning again then, the first day of what I can only hope is a long, fruitful relationship :)

Of Spats, and Lessons Learned

Tue, 18 Oct 2016 16:50:33 +0000

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God has a sense of humour, that much I am convinced of. The most recent evidence of this has got to be firing up John Piper’s Daily Devotional, Solid Joys, to find out that today’s devotional had marriage firmly in its sights.

The humour was because S and I had just had our first spat of sorts the night before. At the nexus of this spat was a difference in opinion as to where we were on the relationship continuum. I was of the opinion that she needed to provide a response that defined what we were - being just really good friends or people in an active relationship that had marriage as it’s end goal. Her contention was that the fact that she gave up time and energy to meet up with me and do stuff suggested that there was firm interest on her part, but that time was required to get to a place where she could formally say ‘Yes’ to my entreaties.

About Town: Weird gifts, names and Children on Trains

Sat, 24 Sep 2016 06:44:20 +0000

Sometime ago, not without some misgivings I must add, I moved desks at work, all part of the new re-stacking policy designed around optimising our use of space. Following the move, I went from a desk which looked on into the central corridor with my computer facing away from the door to one where my view was the bus station across the road. The view was decidedly an upgrade, what came with it though was a sense of being blinded to people milling about behind me and coming in to meet me, particularly on the occasions when I have my head phones plugged in to maximise my concentration.

Things By Other Names

Tue, 06 Sep 2016 20:14:10 +0000

Over the weekend, after one of those marathon conversations with S which grew arms and legs, segueing from work related issues into past loves and twin boy names, I caught myself wondering what all this was.

Whilst I have gone out of my way to declare my intentions, I have neither had a yay or a nay back; she and I continuing to subsist in this fluid space where we are more than friends but without any labels to attach. Whilst the feeling is one of a strong mutual connection, part of me does ponder the why’s of the lack of black and white commitment to date…

My Mosby Problem

Sat, 27 Aug 2016 17:52:56 +0000

In trying to understand how I end up in places like this far too often, I suddenly realise I may have a Mosby problem. Like him, the protagonist in How I Met Your Mother, I fall too hard too soon, focus on a single individual who I think is the one to the exclusion of all other potential options only to end up disappointed time and time again.

The simplest change I can implement - and the crassest from the looks of it - is to not pin my hopes on one person too early; keeping multiple options lined up such that when one opportunity fails to materialise, the cycle time between picking up with the next option is significantly reduced. This neither tastes nor sounds right but given the limited time one has left, it feels like the only choice. Sigh :(

All In

Mon, 22 Aug 2016 07:26:36 +0000

Almost three months to the day since I first met S, these arrived at hers with a note that tried to up the ante. The facts are what they are: I really really like her, we get along very well and I’d like to be a lot more than just friends with her, potentially the future Mrs S.

Her call now… #Waiting

Nine Fridays of Summer: The Not-Quite-A-Milestone-Birthday Edition

Fri, 19 Aug 2016 11:27:06 +0000

Months ago - when it became apparent that my birthday this year would fall on a work day - I made a mental note to take the day off. The act of making that official - signing into the absence management software we use at work and requesting the day off - never happened, which was how I ended up stuck behind my desk at work on the day. That the only slot for a meeting I had been trying to set up for months opened up on the day, the Friday before, didn’t help either.

Nine Fridays of Summer: London, Again.

Tue, 02 Aug 2016 12:15:58 +0000

I never cease to be amazed by how flights which ostensibly last an hour end up morphing into all day affairs, which leads me to think that flying is perhaps one of the greatest swindles on earth. In my experience, by the time one arrives at the airport, goes through security and then waits to board, the better part of two hours has very easily been burned. When the inner city travel requirements are tacked on, everything very easily rolls up to between three and four hours. On this occasion, my flight due to leave at 12.05 pm ends up delayed which is how it is well past 4.00 pm by the time my train rolls into Romford where I plan on basing myself on this trip. All that leaves me is time to get myself checked into my room, find a quick bite and then start heading back to the O2 Arena for the opening night of the Hillsong Conference Europe, which is my primary reason for this trip.

Nine Fridays of Summer: Sleepers, Stratford and basking in Sunshine

Tue, 19 Jul 2016 19:39:06 +0000

She is wolfing down a doughnut, cup of coffee in hand when I appear, trying to find my assigned seat. I feel like I have startled her somewhat, given how quickly she begins to organise the stuff she has all over the place. The sense of having intruded on a private, unguarded moment is made worse by finding my assigned seat is across from her, in seats so tight our feet play that dance of hide and seek beneath the table until we find a system that works.

On Rejection

Fri, 27 May 2016 07:30:18 +0000

Image Source

The conversation - when it happened - happened on a whim; as unplanned as could have been. The intent - to set up a face to face meeting later in the week - quickly snowballed into a full-on conversation about the direction the whole L thing was headed. As it turned out, it was headed nowhere.

It, the culmination of months of chasing, was about as anti-climactic as could be, worsened perhaps by how sure I thought I was that this was it. A lot of things sucked about it - not least the fact that the reasons offered; the uncertainty around work and the pressure from family all felt like convenient cop-outs. That my interest, made known clearly and consistently over the past few months ultimately counted for nothing felt like a slap in my face. The alternative too felt inferior. True he was probably a lot more heeled than I was, but there was baggage which I didn’t have which - given the seriousness with which L had seemed to chase this - should have counted for a lot more than it.

#90 - Persevering..

Fri, 01 Apr 2016 21:33:28 +0000

We saw Eddie the Eagle today - after much planning, to-ing and fro-ing as has become the norm with us - as did a couple of people I know from work and church.. Cue a few awkward silences and dodgy moments where I wondered how much information to share as part of the customary introductions, given one of the work guys is the head honcho and this fluid undefined phase we are in…

#71 - The Struggle

Sun, 13 Mar 2016 23:54:22 +0000

To not get ahead of oneself, to not be so swept up by the exhilaration of the moment that one loses sight of the bigger picture; that there is still a whole lot of knowing to yet do…

#HeartsOnSleeves

#65 - Dear Future Me

Mon, 07 Mar 2016 17:33:10 +0000

For seasons of uncertainty

#64 - Certainly Uncertain

Sun, 06 Mar 2016 22:03:03 +0000

Spent the entire weekend building up to a conversation with L. The arguments and counter arguments were all laid out in my head, in my very worst Ted Mosby imitation. Here on the cusp of the actual meeting, it doesn’t feel so cut and dried in my head anymore, which may or may not be a good thing… I guess I’ll know soon enough how it goes..

#Pensive

#31 - Of Movies and Etiquette

Tue, 02 Feb 2016 21:37:15 +0000

At the movies with L to see The Revenant - as much an endurance test for viewers who have to sit through all 2 hours 36 minutes of it as it is for Leonardo Di Caprio’s character, stumbling through the frozen lands he must to reach home and find a closure of sorts - I find myself wondering what the etiquette for movie watching is these days. Given how the action drags, I am tempted to try to make small talk, keen to not miss the opportunity finally getting a chance to catch up at the 8th or 9th time of trying affords.

At The Centre of Things

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 11:30:41 +0000

Photo credits - David Goehring, Flickr

- -

All I remember from the immediate aftermath of hitting the red button which terminates the FaceTime conversation I have been having with G is a feeling of reeling and of sinking, how I imagine the driver of a car suddenly swept off a road into the icy depths of a lake might feel - disoriented, numb and perhaps too taken aback to have any real appreciation of the import of what has just happened. There is good reason to feel this way, given the act - symbolic as it were - is one that brings to an end what has been a good year of sorts, and that only for the third time ever. To reach this place, where what is a painful, hard fought decision has been taken, has required months of agony and wrestling - weighing the pros of trying to save face against the cons of loss, of time and sunken investments. That G and I work, by and large, has made the decision even more difficult; that a milestone birthday of sorts for me has just passed complicates things even more.

Why We Love, Why We Cheat

Sun, 19 Apr 2015 14:08:58 +0000

http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat?language=en

On the biology of love (amongst a ton of other fascinating stuff), and the three brain systems that evolve from our human experience of mating and reproduction - lust, romantic love and (long term) attachment.

#27, 28, 29 - Better Man in 30 Days

Sun, 29 Jun 2014 19:57:20 +0000

Day 27 - Start a Book: Currently ten books into my thirty book plan for the year. Have two on the go at the moment - Jostein Gaarder’s Sophie’s World and Zadie Smith’s On Beauty. Hopefully I manage to complete them by the end of next month.

Day 28 - Write a Love Letter: Very much work in progress. I suspect this is one I will have come back to again and again. What is clear is that it wasn’t love at first sight by any account - I am far too rational for that - but over time I find a bond building, and increasing joy in the simple things.

Day 28 - Write a Love Letter

Sat, 28 Jun 2014 19:50:30 +0000

when i first saw you it was not love at first sight - but somehow i sensed it was the start of something momentous. for the first few weeks my mind was elsewhere - stuck in a pain induced haze from the last one i thought could be thd one - against my better judgement. truth was i was stuck in an infinite loop, a bullet train headed to no where but

Getting Directions, Movie-thons and Sunday afternoon conversations

Tue, 11 Mar 2014 21:59:56 +0000

Still slightly depressed from all that’s happened to rock my world over the last few weeks, I drag myself down to Union Square having left work thirty minutes early. I am hoping that a little window shopping – and fresh air – will do my foul mood some good. Thirty minutes later, having made a pit stop at TK Maxx, mooched around Sole Trader and JD Sports I find myself at the Jones shop, pondering the wisdom or otherwise of splurging on a gorgeous pair of Timberland boat shoes I have found.

For LK : What I wanted to say...

Fri, 07 Mar 2014 22:02:21 +0000

I never sent this though - in retrospect, I should have, and drawn a line under the sordid, heart rending affair that was my dalliance with LK. Source:

I have given our prospective Thursday evening meetup a lot more thought. Under different circumstances - if we didn’t have the ‘us’ elephant in the room - I would have no reservations whatsoever with popping into London to see you. I enjoy your company that much, and have genuinely looked forward to every second we’ve spent together.

The End... Wrapping up Project LK

Mon, 03 Mar 2014 17:26:10 +0000

As suspected, my neither here nor there dalliance with LK sputtered to it’s pretty much inevitable death. That the trigger - in her words - was a relationship seminar the day before rather than plain old irritation was more the surprise rather than that it came to that.

In retrospect, I committed way too much, way too soon. If there is a lesson here it is to go slow- let the interest be known but not drop all inhibitions and lose all the mystery. There is a sense of de ja vu here - back to square zero again after five or so months, multiple dates, a start that promised much but ends yet again in the dreaded friend zone.

Epic Fail...

Mon, 24 Feb 2014 19:39:31 +0000

Against my better judgement I WhatsApped LK whilst she was in Paris to say I’d thought a lot of her on the day, and that I hoped that she’d had a blast so far.. Very nearly 12 hours after she’s been in London, over 36 since she read the message, and two profile picture changes later, she hasn’t deemed it fit to respond in any shape or form.

Guess whatever ambiguity there was about the need to ease myself off has slowly resolved itself. It is very much an ending of sorts now..

The Sense of An Ending

Thu, 20 Feb 2014 23:53:32 +0000

Having given the subject of my proposed trip to London to see LK a lot of thought, I resolved that the sensible thing was not to go through it. Two main things stood out in my head as valid reasons for this position - she was due to go away for a much deserved holiday the day after and didn’t deserve to go under a cloud, and perhaps more importantly I felt we were at a level of irritation at which constructive conversation was well nigh impossible. I thus penned a lengthy email exploring my feelings and explaining my decisions which I intended to send through to her after we had had a quick chat.

Tipping point?

Mon, 17 Feb 2014 23:42:46 +0000

LK and I somehow ended up having yet another conversation on the never quite clearly defined subject of ‘us’. Having gone ahead to send through a gift for Valentine’s Day, I did feel a little bit miffed that my efforts had merely provoked a very understated reaction. One thing led to another and I ended up letting rip a broadside around the uncertainties I was having to carry around this connection. All this over whatsapp, and at work, which was criminal on my part I must say.

Conversations and Conundrums

Sat, 08 Feb 2014 16:18:41 +0000

Fundamentally, I do like you, but there is a but.

My initial elation very quickly vanished, to be replaced with a more pragmatic mix of angst, exasperation and some curiosity. LK and I had been chatting, catching up, and following up after my London trip, the main driver for which was a (second) date with her. After church at Hillsong - always a great bonus on these trips - I made my way towards the Angel Station where we’d planned to meet and then do lunch and talk.

A Question of Patience...

Tue, 28 Jan 2014 17:55:21 +0000

In her own words, she is complex in a can of cute. Slouched in my favourite chair by my window, with the sound of passing cars, their occasional horn toots and the odd police siren as the soundtrack to my evening, up until then I had been having a chilled, if lethargic evening natter.

I had one eye on the evolving tactical battle on my FM2013 Liverpool save and the other on my phone whilst we talked, before we segued into the subject of personality types and tests. Thanks to books like Quiet and Networking for Those Who Hate Networking, I am increasingly secure in owning up to being introverted - which was probably why without too much thinking I owned up to being INTJ. Her initial response was to ask me to translate that into real English; I promptly emailed her a link to the sixteen personalities INTJ page. That set off a bout of good natured teasing and banter at my expense - not that I minded. LK is delightfully great to talk to; her brand of acerbic, intelligent, thoughtful conversation delivered in a voice so soft one would assume she couldn’t hurt a fly is one that I have taken a great liking to over the past three months. Teasing over, I pressed her to take the test herself, knowing just how much insight into her personality it would provide and looking for canon fodder to retaliate. That was the setting for her declaration, in the aftermath of which I found myself soberly considering just what the potential ramifications of the revelation might be.

Starting over...

Thu, 31 Oct 2013 20:07:04 +0000

The one slight positive from the events of the last few weeks has got to be the opportunity to start over. For one it is a big reset of sorts, one from which I hope I can learn. Rock bottom/ square zero’s great in that regards - having hit there, the only way is up, if there is any movement that is.

Looking back over the year so far, and the bevy of girl shaped failures that litter it, an overt eagerness to gain clarity and definition appears to be one of the key recurring hurdles at which I have fallen. At first it was due to the need to gain some sort of closure on the wife plan as the 34th birthday loomed, and then the pressure to demonstrate progress to the hordes of interested, knowledgeable others.

Sinking in...

Thu, 17 Oct 2013 18:54:39 +0000

I’d like to think that looking for sympathy has never been my thing, but if it was, the circumstances of the tiff with Tee were never going to get me any. Nothing epitomised that better than my veritable wing woman K. In fairness to her, she had voiced several concerns over a month ago when the noises about moving to America had begun to get louder. It was in fact one of those conversations that led to her concluding that I was hell bent on getting myself hurt.

Season of Uncertainty

Wed, 16 Oct 2013 03:46:36 +0000

Sinking… and feeling for rock bottom is the sense of where I feel I am at the moment; very much like the proverbial lead sinking in water. The thing with Tee rather than being the primary cause of this latest bout of malaise helped precipitate it, not least being the most recent of a string of setbacks in the girl department running through the year.

There’s work, and the fact that the guys I currently work for recently lost a major service contract they had held for the better part of 8+ years. With that has come the potential for staff moves, down-sizing and all the other fun and games associated with trying to bring overhead down. Even though my own role seems safe amidst this sea of change, there is the additional complication of the particular client I support shuttering activity on the plant I work for. My UK visa is tied to my employer so the uncertainty associated with work, or not working does leave the mind in jitters. Another layer of complexity is the fact that I want to do something different. Having spent the greater part of the last 10 years - since December 2003 - in topside pressure system asset integrity, I do want to get my teeth into subsea materials and corrosion a lot more than my current role might allow…

Friend Zoned...

Mon, 14 Oct 2013 18:35:04 +0000

Tee and I had the talk, from which it transpired she wants/ can only be just friends with me.

The bulk of that conversation was her version of the well-worn, if clichéd it’s not you, it’s me spiel.. One can only handle being told about being a great guy with a great heart so many times before it begins to ring hollow, like the copout I have always felt it is…

Going nowhere... fast

Thu, 03 Oct 2013 19:12:53 +0000

Against my better judgement – and that not for the first time – I call S on Sunday evening. Predictably she doesn’t answer her phone. The first and only acknowledgement of the missed call comes on Tuesday night, a full fifty-two hours later, when she texts to apologise for missing my call, citing being tied up with chores and ironing.

Given she is someone I have been trying to get a face to face with since early July; and who pulled out of yet another agreement in principle to meet up the Thursday before the Sunday on which I call her citing busyness again; it does begin to strain the limits of credulity to imagine these are just random, real limitations on time as opposed to a fully intentional strategy to avoid meeting up.

Treading water...

Fri, 20 Sep 2013 20:57:13 +0000

Tee and I have somehow segued into friend zone territory - catching up once a day on average to share the minutiae of life, moan about our respective bosses and all the other things working adults who live alone find the time to complain about.

She has had a lot on her plate lately between work, illness and family visits, as I have been with work and my urgent trip down south to Sheffield to sort out the small matter of a visa.

5 Tests of Compatibility

Fri, 06 Sep 2013 18:00:54 +0000

From my current read, Ben Young and Dr Sam Adams’ book - The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate.

Is there chemistry? Are you sexually/ physically attracted to your partner?
Is your relationship natural? Do things flow naturally or are you spending a lot more time resolving issues than demonstrating a natural fit?
Would this be a good friend? If the chemistry was removed, is it someone you’d want to be with, whose company you enjoy?
Can you accept his or her personality as is? Could you spend the rest of your life with the person as they are?
Would you want your kids to be like him or her? Could you envision a future in which your children turn out like him or her?

Oh and to pass the test, it must be ‘Yes’, 100%…

Point of Inflection

Wed, 17 Jul 2013 23:31:02 +0000

In differential calculus:

the point on a curve where the curvature changes sign from +ve to -ve or vice versa; analogous to a point on a bend where the steering is momentarily straight whilst turning from left to right or vice versa

In real life:

the precise moment it finally sinks into a bloke’s thick skull that the girl he’s had a crush on for the past month is about to ease him into the friendzone

On S...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:14:30 +0000

The cliff notes version

Finally rid myself of L; new mobile number, deleted contacts and minimal face to face time appear to be working here
Met S at N’s party - great conversation, opera lover and left handed woman…. :) Was beginning to think the Lord didn’t make geek chics anymore.. My one slip up was failing to ask for her number or BBM *silly me*

The darned friend zone...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 23:43:47 +0000

To all accounts, she could have been the right woman, at the right time, in the right place on the relationship continuum, but for the small matter of 3,000 miles making navigating the treacherous waters of getting to know her essentially from scratch that bit more difficult. We did have great conversations (maybe not great, but better than I have with most) with a range of shared interests that we explored.

Giving it a Year

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 00:25:41 +0000

If I dialed down my definition of success to its most basic, it would have three (or four) components:

Excel in (Corrosion & Materials) Engineering;
Be the best husband, father, son, brother and friend I can be;
Live in, and contribute to life in, a great city and a great church.

Simple enough, I guess. Unless you’re me with a well documented attention to detail – often bordering on over-thinking – with which every little, simple decision segues into a long, drawn out exercise in Planning, Reviewing and Risk v. Reward Assessment.

Pimping Mrs P

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 14:00:30 +0000

The woman clutched my arm. The first wave of feeling that hit me - when my mind frozen for an instant by the brazen grab - was fear, and then confusion, as she peered intently into my face with not even the faintest hint of recollection bouncing about in my head. She wasn’t wearing the flowing robes of an aladura prophetess, thus ruling out a smash-and-grab prophesy as the reason for her intrusion. Something about the deeply lined face, the light grey hair peeking out from underneath her tight head wrap and her uber thick lenses left me positively unsettled.

FF

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 20:56:15 +0000

Met FF for a coffee whilst in Lagos. Prior to that I’d felt like she’d checked all my boxes bar the genotype one. Meeting up for a coffee was the physical chemistry ’test’ for me and I felt we passed it in glowing colours. She looked smashing in a pink, floral dress and red shoes and we did have great conversation.

Fortuitously, my married friends I&A dropped me off and picked me up and did pick up on her great personality. Problem is I do not know if she likes me like that. I suppose I could ask, but given the small matter of a few miles, and my history of crucially misjudging interest in the past, there’s a cross roads of sorts. Rotating out of Lagos for a few months on the potential new job will help in this regard, I think.

Unravelled

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 21:49:03 +0000

And so I decided I’d had enough of being neither here nor there with TOj, and asked her if she was seeing someone. The good news was that she wasn’t; the somewhat crushing bad was that in her words, there wasn’t even a sliver of interest in yours truly…..

#Unravelled

Forgetting

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 18:54:42 +0000

Image Source


I catch myself sighing -
Laboured breath held,
And then expelled
Like the unsteady,
Weary chug of a steam
Locomotive as it drags
Its weighty backsides
Up a steep incline.

My dreams, a hurried,
Harried concoction
Of fevered, whispered
Half phrases and fearsome
Visions of a searing inner fire
Haunt me, my mind
Slowly numbed
by the intense,
Unforgettable clarity
of a growing insanity
And the delirium of delusion.

The first time I saw you
You were a distant-
blob of light, bright pink,
shimmering red, blazing sun-
shine, driving dirty,
grey snow into the
corner of Kings and Guilds.

Between there and here
Is something irretrievably broken
a gangrenous, festering sore
That refuses to heal, its ochre
Colour, the colour of dried blood.

I catch myself sighing,
Laboured breath held
And then expelled slowly
Like a puff of cigar smoke.
But in the distance,
Like a storm cloud bringing rain after a drought
Is the redemption of the forget-ting

Neither here nor There

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 21:43:31 +0000

TOj and I have maintained extensive conversations over the last couple of weeks or so. But in what must surely count for an oddity, the outcome of the conversations is the sense of being neither here nor there. It might be the fact that we have always known each other in a different context that’s added a layer of awkwardness to it all.

The big question, looming large at the back of my mind therefore is if it’s time to cut my losses to ensure we remain just friends, or if it’s worth the gamble of finding out how she feels about me.

Subtly falling, or not...

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 22:45:06 +0000

Post London, TOj and I have kept in touch - primarily extended conversations about everything; work, life, failed loves and the stereotypes of Nigerian dudes in London as being primarily baby mama creators rather than the marrying kind.

Not sure where that leaves me, being the never married, single-since-April-2011 dude who has only being in two relationships all his life. We do have a knack for great conversations between us, it must be said, in addition to all the elements of the future Mrs S spreadsheet that she checks.

Paradigm shifts, Real Manhood and Lessons to relearn

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 23:21:48 +0000

The most resounding lesson I learned in 2012 - on the subject of dating - was that I had had the wrong focus. In writing up lists, developing strategies and being gung-ho about the women in my life, I may have missed the point. If I must make true progress through 2013, a paradigm shift of sorts is most required.

In focusing almost exclusively on finding a wife, I may have focused far too much on the what and the potential whos and not enough on myself and the key question - am I living the sort of life the man the sort of woman I would want to marry would commit to? The great woman whose life I am meant to improve (even as she significantly improves mine) will have certain standards and values which I have to meet. If I gave myself a really good, long hard look I have to admit that although I meet most of the financial, physical and social criteria such a woman might want, my various worldview issues mean that I am not in a place to deliver the sort of spiritual leadership such a woman would crave.

In retrospect - wrapping up the L debacle

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 12:07:55 +0000

Definitely blown, and I think at its core the failed dalliance was of my own making in being too keen. Given the year I’d had - with close on 18 months without any interest in females as I sought to deal with the lingering wounds and the fall out from the last serious relationship - I suppose I could be forgiven for letting go too quickly when a smart, attractive young woman who ticked all the critical boxes suddenly came into the picture. I’d sworn I was over E a year ago, but not until the fates conspired to bring L my way did the realisation that I had grossly understated the extent of the pain I still was in sink in.

2012 - The Year of the Detox

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 22:07:30 +0000

Although a year and some ago I thought I had truly gotten over the pain of the EJ debacle, I still managed to spend Christmas stateside attending a wedding, hanging with mutual friends and kind of hoping I would run into her. Neither happened, and when push came to shove I couldn’t bring myself to take the short hop across town to the city where she now lived. Coming into 2012 then, the targe t was to resolve a number of the other friendzoneships I had somehow gotten sucked in over the years.

Blown...Or Not

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 19:08:38 +0000

Between too many cooks - my friend OO was overly keen to play match maker and may have spilled too much information - and my being a little bit too keen for meetups and hangouts, my girl crush might have been spooked :(

I do need my life back - the controlled, spread sheet driven, ordered experience that it used to be, not one filled with long nights tossing and turning, pondering innumerable what-ifs and why/why not my messages have not been replied…..

Girl Crush-ing... Hypothetically....

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 12:26:24 +0000

I think I have a crush.

…… And what is perhaps most disconcerting about the waxing and waning of this particular attraction is just how atypical its advent has been. For one she is well and truly outside the +/- 2.5 year band that I once swore to live and die by… And perhaps most importantly, the sum of our interaction over the last one month, one week and six days has been fifteen emails, five phone calls and one handshake; hardly a compelling oeuvre for a bloke whose standard MO - bar the not exactly happily-ever-after spring mis adventure from 2009 - has primarily been based on weighing pros and cons, extensive googling due diligence and incremental engagement rather than a full on pursuit.

The Dating Wrap #4

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 22:28:29 +0000

More of the same fare form the last few months I think:

MoSli’s gone dark this last week, prior to that we had good conversations, even providing [largely unhelpful] thoughts on some dresses she was looking to order for her big 3-0 birthday jaunt.
Mme.P emailed out of the blue - I’d missed the opportunity to catch up with her when she was in London and quite frankly I was beginning to think it was an opportunity that was long lost., fingers crossed
Meesha and I have had two telephone conversations which ended very well if i say so, and we’ve a meetup planned.

On a strategy level, I do need to get some clarity in my head. Have been reading the He’s Just Not That Into You, and I suppose some of the excuses hit close home. Long story short, if I really am into a girl, I have to toss off my natural reservations and let her know….. Interesting

Waiting

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 22:23:55 +0000

The worst thing is the waiting - the alternative flip-flopping between the giddy heights of anticipation and the cold, calculated, calmness of detached pragmatism. Somehow or the other I have managed to find myself waiting on responses back from a whole slew of people - the Professor I am looking to work with on the Welding Program at Northern, the PRI Coordinator who needs to revert with a date for my Professional Review Interview and the neither here nor there email and skype exchanges between myself and Mlles S and P.

The Dating Wrap III

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 04:29:35 +0000

The one thing I feared would happen post Sister #2’s wedding was that the pressure to deliver on a steady relationship and marriage would get ratcheted up a few notches, and boy did it happen! the very next morning, Mum tried to visit with the kid brother and I, ostensibly to catch up with us, with the subtle undertone of trying to find out what our demob plans were.

We managed to escape on that morning, but we could only do so for so long. I eventually got a right good earful, with a few recommendations tossed in my direction for follow up - not bad in and of themselves except for the small matter of the fact that these were people from church I didn’t know, and hadn’t seen for close on ten years.

On traditional gender roles...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 00:49:30 +0000

Somehow, my increasingly regular Friday evening/night conversations with Mlle.M had an interesting segue. We had been catching up on weekend plans at the time I believe when we somehow got into the dodgy waters of traditional gender roles, and how they are expressed in modern (Nigerian) marriages and relationships.

[The overwhelming feedback I get from the women I talk to is the Nigerian man out there at the moment, irrespective of how learned he is, is one who expects a certain domestication in his women, often with a big dollop of subservience. My experience doesn’t fit that narrative though.]

The Dating Wrap - May 2012

Thu, 31 May 2012 05:14:31 +0000

Since the end of Q1 edition, quite a few changes have occurred. It turned out that in addition to the worldview issues Q and I had, she was also a carrier of the haemoglobin S trait (like I am). Given the family history I have got with losing the sister Gracie all those many years ago to sickle cell disease, that effectively put an end to any further involvement.

Interestingly, all the other potentials from the last update have more or less slipped off the front burner. AJ effectively broke contact, and I quite frankly made no effort to keep in touch, Ify’s proximity (and the fact that she lives close by) probably means that there are no real opportunities to progress in that direction anymore; and as for TheB, I suspect I am well and truly over her. Liz got back in touch after quite a few months, and we had a frank conversation, however I think we may have crossed the rubicon here.

Pouring when it rains

Wed, 16 May 2012 22:33:31 +0000

The morning after the evening when I finally decided I had had enough - of playing second fiddle to all the lasses who were or were not in my life, of being the simple nice guy whose remit was providing the shoulder to cry on and all, and seeking unilateral closure via radical surgery, I got a text message from MmeK. Apparently, she’d not been feeling very well, which was the driver for the extended period of silence. That turned out to merely be the first salvo in what would be a barrage, seemingly orchestrated by whoever runs the world, to test my staying-away-from-women resolve.

0 - Closure (The end of an era)

Sun, 13 May 2012 18:24:57 +0000

Sometime between sending an SMS that went unanswered for very nearly a day and me slipping into one of my more pensive moments, something clicked in my head - TheB is not for me. My trip westward at the back end of last year had come at some personal cost. I had been invited for an interview at one of the Nigerian multi-nationals, and given the job description, it seemed a fairly reasonable job that fit in with my longer term life direction. I chose instead to head out to Chicago, prioritising clarity around my situation with TheB higher than snagging a dream Nigerian job. Unfortunately my nervousness and her busy-ness ended up putting paid to any serious conversations.

Getting Ahead of Myself

Sat, 05 May 2012 15:55:05 +0000

I may have met a woman who checks a lot of the boxes on my (pared down) list:

aged between 27 and 29,
Nigerian,
a clear sense of direction and self worth,
a largely Christian world-view,
great at conversation,
and a deep appreciation and interest in the arts and travel.

The only snag is she’s half way around the world, and the last time I let myself go very quickly, I ended up burnt (with TheB). Given my history with LDRs, I would be loath to knowingly get into one. The truth though is that I may just be getting ahead of myself here…. Sigh…

The Dating Wrap

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 10:06:17 +0000

Ninety one days into the new year, I do not appear to have made any significant progress on the one thing on my 2012 to do list which my mother is most interested in - finding myself a potential wife. Following on a review from late last year, I decided a multi-pronged approach would work best - fusing online dating with physical meet ups and the occasional introduction from mutual friends. Arguably, there have been opportunities with potential, even though the bulk of them have not been. In any case here goes the journey so far:

The Friday Read: Mixed Matches

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 18:17:03 +0000

A few days late but an interesting read nonetheless. Denise Morris explores inter-racial dating and marriage from a biblical worldview over at Boundless.org. Parts One, Two and Three explore her experiences in growing up as a child from a mixed marriage, the pseudo-biblical objections people may have and offers a useful summation:

Will choosing to date someone outside of your race make your life more difficult? Hopefully not, but it could. If it does, remember that the father of lies still has a grip on humanity. He will until the day Christ returns to put him in his place. Are the potential difficulties of an interracial relationship worth it? Of course they are if it’s the person God has prepared for you. Most importantly, all of us are precious in his sight — red, yellow, black and white — and every shade in between.

Lessons Learned: On (online) dating

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 22:55:40 +0000

My little experiment in online dating comes to an end over the next few weeks, thanks to expiring subscriptions. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that online dating may not be for me.

If my experience is typical, it would appear the Nigerian man trying online dating has three strikes against him. First is the perception in the wider world of Nigerians as being inherently scam artists. A bevy of websites has sprung up whose MO appears solely to be defining tactics and strategies for identifying Nigerian scam artists and outing them. The three or so women on eHarmony who I made it past guided communication into emailing with suddenly became reticent when I declared I was Nigerian. From a couple of emails a day, things segued into an email a couple of days and then them leaving my emails un-replied.

Rejigging the list

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 22:55:48 +0000

One of the unintended consequences of taking my mate search more seriously has been taking time out to define what the absolute must-haves in the woman I date and eventually marry are. Given the changes that have happened in my life, I am hoping the list is more realistic, and more real-worldly… So here goes.

A Nigerian: Ideally the mate would be Nigerian. If you listened to my mother she would have to be Edo, Delta or Yoruba. I like to imagine I am more egalitarian and would be open to dating outside those very narrow confines. When push comes to shove, even though a Nigerian mate is preferred, I suspect I may be open to dating from other nationalities.
Be on a similar time-line with me: Ideally, I would like to get hitched by YE 2012 (if I remain in the UK), or in 2013 (if I go down the Welding and Materials Engineering PhD route). Granted, it is impossible to legislate for oneself, much less others, but ideally, the mate I pursue should be looking to get married on a similar time-line.
Between 27 and 31 by YE 2013: Research indicates that the ideal age gap between spouses is 5 years. Given I will be 34 by YE 2013, the potential mate would need to be 29 at the time. Rather than apply this mechanistically, I reckon a band of +/-2 years around the mean is a good compromise. Additionally, I do find from talking to my female friends that age 25 appears to be the age when women tend to get serious. Before then, they usually are looking to get a boyfriend for hanging out interminably with. At the age I am, I’m looking for a bit more intentionality which is why I think my future mate would be in this age bracket.
Have a healthy acceptance of the importance of family: The kid brother and I are really close, a legacy of years spent sharing a room, and being co-conspirators against the totalitarian regime of the parents. Same goes for my kid sister who virtually still worships me. :) Any potential mates will ideally recognize that family is important and be willing to make changes to accommodate them, ultimately prioritizing US over other connections though.
A more outgoing personality: The one accusation I am unable to refute is that I am somewhat picky when it comes to selecting friends. In general, I tend to be the one behind the scenes, observing and analyzing rather than being the life of the party. My ideal partner would be someone who is more outgoing than I am to offset my natural inclination to be reserved.
Possess sufficient ‘General Intelligence’ to converse well: A number of topics engage my energies and passions - football, public policy, some politics and social justice issues in general. The ideal mate would be someone who is able to appreciate these things and more, and is able to engage in an intellectual discussion, being able to coherently engage a variety of topics. An appreciation for the arts – the lyrical flow of Yusef Komunyakaa, the exquisite prose of Soyinka, the mellifluous tunes of Coltrane amongst others - would definitely be a plus.
Focused and driven to succeed: The ideal mate would have a fully developed life with drives and passions that I can contribute to. Marriage to me should be a symbiotic partnership, where both parties far exceed their individual abilities thanks to the influence of the other. As I have aged, I have transited from believing that a bloke is the alpha-and-omega to a model of shared growth.
Has developed a coherent worldview that is essentially Judeo-Christian: Whilst I joke about being in a state of relapsed faith, my worldview is still essentially Christian, and one of my seven priorities for 2012 is sorting out that dissonance.The ideal mate would have a similar worldview, even if it is not lived out in a rabidly spiritual way and have a heart for God and people.
Same sense of long term direction: Social justice, engaging younger people and being useful in the context of local community are big issues for me. The ideal mate would recognise this and buy into them, or at least appreciate them, if not actively participating.

In summary then, the ideal mate would be between 26 and 29 now, be between 4-11’ and 5-8’ tall, broadly subscribe to Christian values and ethics, and be looking for a serious relationship at the time..

Falling for my Dalglish Conjecture

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:00:46 +0000

The one thing laying the ghosts of the EJ debacle to rest did was to finally free me up mentally to move on after what had been a horrendous six months of torture. On here as in real life, I was beginning to sound like a broken record with my endless whining and musing about what was a lost cause from day zero. In looking to go forward, I made the basic error of falling for the Dalglish conjecture. [The Dalglish conjecture is the fancy way I describe one party in a good friend situation suddenly developing romantic feelings and hoping they will be reciprocated, almost as a rebound.]

Deconstructing the Dalglish Conjecture

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:19:24 +0000

The following was instigated by a discussion on Twitter with @ Sir Fariku on the case for football as a compelling metaphor for a bloke’s dating life and the Brothers With No Game series on Which Footballer Are You?

In the 1997 movie ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ directed by P.J. Hogan, Julianne Potter (played by Julia Roberts) finds herself facing a conundrum of sorts. Her long term friend, Michael O’Neil (played by Dermot Mulroney) informs her a few days short of her own 28th birthday of his impending marriage to Kimberly (played by Cameron Diaz). This should be great news, except for the small matter of a pact between Julianne and Michael where they had agreed that if they remained single till they turned 28, they would get married to each other. She also believes (rightly or wrongly) that Kimberly is the wrong person for him to get married to.

Weighing up the options

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 19:30:54 +0000

The National Marriage Project’s Ten Things about Marriage Young Adults should know says that an introduction by family or acquaintances made up sixty percent of the marriages in their 2004 sample. I suspect the data might be dated – an eHarmony staff [on quora] points to a report they commissioned from Harris Interactive that claims that for 2008-09, 14% of marriages came from connections initiated online.

It does seem to me that having a two pronged approach – being open to introductions from friends and acquaintances, and getting online – should improve a bloke’s chances of meeting The One (if she actually exists, that is). As a result, I have bitten the bullet and signed up for an account at eHarmony, complete with a six month subscription. Given the audacious claims made in the various ads, the scientific lean of the matching system and frankly, the paucity of options, going down this route seemed a no-brainer to me.

The evening before...

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:03:07 +0000

The evening before the morning I am due to fly, I stay awake till the wee hours of the morning tossing and turning on my bed. There is the reality of the unfinished business between TheB and I that needs sorting out one way or the other; and that thought, scary as it is, leaves my mind accelerating into overdrive. These could potentially be game changing events I am about to unleash, if I grow the balls to go through with it. History suggests that it will be yet another dumb squib.. One way or the other, there has to be some clarity I reckon

Unfinished business

Fri, 04 Nov 2011 18:56:11 +0000

In a few days time, I shall pack my bags and head across the Atlantic one more time. The driver is some unfinished business from 2009. There was the small matter of a conundrum which developed in April of 2009. The ladies in question were F and my ’nearly girls’TheB and S.

Over the course of that year F and I would finally put ourselves out of the misery of our forced dalliance, for good. ‘S would turn to me as a husband finder, and TheB and I would drift apart for no real reason.

Not Yet A Fairy Tale

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:16:45 +0000

When the clock chimed in the New Year, I was cuddled up next to the girlfriend at the time. I had my feet on a foot stool, was sat in a couch in front of the television and was cradling her head as it lay on my chest, whilst we mused about the new year, and all the wonderful, beautiful things we hoped it would bring us. I had flown nearly 5000 miles to make this moment, and in the heat of the moment, life couldn’t have felt better. There was me, the one woman in the world I loved, and a bright and shining future ahead of us. If ever there was a fairy tale moment in my life, that was it.

Full circle (the anatomy of a heart break)

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 22:15:00 +0000

They say there are five stages of grief… First there is denial. Everything slows down to an almost imperceptible crawl, leaving you with the numbness of disbelief and a full blown Fariku Singularity. You replay that final scene in your head again and again until it is etched in your mind like an indelible tattoo. You deconstruct the words hoping to find an iota of comfort; and when the lads ask you about her, you pretend the phone lines garbled that bit of speech, or mutter various incomprehensible answers.

On F

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 21:12:34 +0000

I have only officially dated two women - although there have been a slew of girls-that-almost-were. EJ and I lasted nine months; the other woman was the one I’ll call F and we lasted just over two years.

I met F at a Christian young peoples’ conference. It was Easter 2006, and on a whim I decided to attend the annual conference hosted by the group I used to attend on Campus. My little brother at the time was fairly well known in those circles, so hanging out with him got me some attention. That was where I saw her. And when their bus needed re-fuelling on the way back, my big fat more-than-I-could-use pay check from XOM came in handy.

The nearly girls...

Sun, 18 Sep 2011 00:28:30 +0000

In no particular order

MG: High school mate, Mother figure, best friend through the teenage years, my very own right-girl-wrong-context conundrum, now married with children.
H: High school mate, never really friends until we met up again in University, now married
Elo: High school mate turned high profile Lawyer. I talked her through a particularly difficult heart break in ‘06 after which she plucked up a lot of courage and asked me out. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I didn’t bite, and she ended up running away to New York and the bloke who broke her heart in the first place.
‘Susuuu: Under grad protege who I taught calculus for a year. This was way too complicated to ever work, Now married
TheB: Friend of a friend turned e-friend, turned friend in real life, sadly too many things happened to ‘us’ in 2009, from which we never recovered, still single.
AJ: The kid from Hi5 when it was still the rage, and I had the luxury of free internet at my first Nigerian job. In retrospect she was always going to be way too young, we did end up, and have stayed very fast friends. Still single, but engaged to one of the lads.

On being single...

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 18:48:42 +0000

Rebirth says men are never 100% single, and offers further clarification in a comment:

In my opinion, being single means free from any baggage, no causal dating or stringing along, emotionally available and willing to commit if its the right person…but i find most guys have more than 2 women they are talking to at a time

And I have been thinking. If I met someone (new) today, would I be emotionally available to commit, if it was the right person? Most probably not. Every time a picture of EJ flashes or her name comes up in a conversation, I realize I still haven’t forgotten, still haven’t let go. Am I ’talking’ to any other woman? No. There are the long term friends elC, TheB and ER who ostensibly might be options - but we’ve been stuck so much in the friends zone, I doubt anything can progress from that.

Quantity is underrated...

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 17:58:39 +0000

Conventional wisdom suggests that quality trumps quantity. I imagine it is an MO that ‘makes sense’: identify a few high value targets, focus the scare resource of time and energy on them and (hopefully) maximize the potential reward.

Louisa May Alcott probably spoke for everyone when she had Amy say in ‘Little Women’:

You don’t need scores of suitors. You need only one… if he’s the right one

The only snag in that little argument is that this is based on the implicit assumption that one knows in quite precise terms what/who the One is; and that this definition is pretty much static. In real life, I suspect that the who/ what is continuously evolving, such that truly knowing what that entails is an iterative process. One then, must of necessity, date in quantity to gain a better understanding of the ‘market’.

Half-full or half-empty?

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 16:47:41 +0000

Breaking up has its perks - especially when there was the small matter of a six hour difference and 3,000 plus miles. On the plus side, the need to remember birthdays (I sucked majorly at this, which probably added to my being kicked to the kerb), answer phone calls at odd hours of the day and be a pillar of strength to someone finally vanishes, and one is free to pursue other interests. On the flip side, the months of getting to know someone from the ground up are then tossed away, as though all meaning were trivial. Only after a while does the real cost register - long periods that were once filled with sharing the minutiae of life are suddenly filled with solitude; solitude which has the potential to bend one’s mind and numb it into a stupor.

Questions...

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 21:46:37 +0000

I have been wondering if people still ‘fall’ in love? Can a guy and a girl meet, develop sparks from the get go and experience a connection like none other? Me the cynic is convinced it is all about doing the sums, weighing the pros and the cons, and deciding what ‘makes sense’ - not some visceral, emotional reaction. I wish I knew though, I really want to be swept off my feet by someone, be blown away by an emotional connection…. Somehow I know that will never be me, I will remain Me, the cynical pragmatist…

One last punt

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 22:30:23 +0000

I spent the whole week - and some - agonising over the pros and the cons of one last punt, asking EJ if we were done for good. It didn’t help that she took nearly a full day to reply my initial email. Yesterday, I finally worked up the nerve to make the phone call. It still took me six tries, before I allowed the phone ring through.

We talked - whilst she was out shopping with a friend. The one thing that comes out of it all is that at best, we will be acquaintances, the odd phone call every so often, the odd email and simple safe gifts for birthdays if they are remembered. Oddly enough, I never got to ask her for a black and white response as to if we were done for good. She did seem very eager to get me back into the dating business. Guess by default, we are done, and yours truly has to wise up to that and move on, difficult as it might be.. :(

On Lists

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 20:37:46 +0000

Lists appear to have suddenly become the leitmotif of the few blogs I read. From Don Miller sharing his fiancee’s list to Esco imagining the All Nigerian Girl, to AnyaPosh, Miss Enigma, Sting and all the lasses doing that 30 day blogging thing, everyone appears to be sharing bits and pieces of lists.

When I was much younger I was a big fan of lists - on everything from five year goals and plans, gadgets to buy to what I wanted in a spouse - complete with excel spreadsheets which calculated weighted averages across the various categories. The one thing I didn’t bargain for was that it would become a mechanistic check-the-box-or-check-out exercise - that happened - nor did I question the basis on which the items were identified, or if indeed I was at a time and place where I could expect those qualities from others.

Putting More Men on the job

Sat, 11 Jun 2011 22:10:11 +0000

Amidst the continuing babble of concerned friends, I may have hit upon my very own final solution. Granted it is decidedly more benign than the Nazi version, but as a strategy to buy myself much needed respite, it has worked like a charm. When asked awkward questions about being single when hanging out with the lads, my answer goes along the lines of being too busy, but declaring that I am very open to recommendations from so-called ‘knowledgeable others’.

First there was MG

Tue, 17 May 2011 22:22:38 +0000

My earliest memories of growing up are inextricably bound up with the dirty brown house on 4th street, brick red sand and Di, or MG as we would grow to know her in our adult years. It was the summer rainy season of 1988 and the sun in all its gory beastliness was baking us all, turning our days into long drawn out battles with boredom, exacerbated by excruciatingly boring teachers. Us boys lived for the bell, the harbinger of our short and long breaks, an all too brief salvation from studying. I was barely eight years old, but I was fast making a name for myself as a nerd; complete with very thick lenses, a voracious appetite for non-academic reading and an extreme love for solitude. The only physical activity I engaged in was the odd football kick abut where I was about as useful as a goal post. I often got sentenced to playing the goal keeper, where I was as much likely to play a wanton pass as concede a daft goal. It was an age where competition hadn’t become second nature to us though, so it wasn’t often that a gaffe was punished beyond the pitch.

In which I (vaguely) remember the Girls I Never Kissed

Sat, 14 May 2011 06:30:47 +0000

There is no better incentive to reassess the landscape of one’s failed loves than watching re-runs of NCIS on TV on a Friday night. Something about being slouched in a lazy boy chair, empty bottles of beer to one side and the TV remote on the other, stands in marked contrast to what typical Friday nights are meant to be - maelstroms of revelry, getting hammered and possibly getting laid.

Delayed cognition

Tue, 05 Apr 2011 06:26:02 +0000

I wake up to the sounds of a quiet house. It has taken all of twenty four hours but finally my benumbed brain connects to reality. Last night, EJ and I split up officially. It was very amicable - no shouting, no crying, no theatrics - just two adults recognizing that the time to end our tenuous grip on each other and move on had come. It is a strange place to be. We’re still friends, we intend to keep the lines of communication open, but our nine months of being official have ended. Now that reality has hit, I feel like a large, gaping hole has been torn in my very existence.

.......... for Ella*

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 20:57:08 +0000

I walked away- with your face stolen from a crowded room……….. Now you are on my skin, in my mouth - and hair as if you were always woven in my walk…

Yusef Komunyakaa said it much better than I could ever say…

The formula for a perfect wife..

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 07:50:32 +0000

A bride should be five years younger than her groom, should come from the same cultural background, and be the more intelligent of the pair if couples are to have a successful marriage, scientists have announced.

Apparently the critical difference in intelligence is 27%… leading to a 20% increase in the probability of a good marriage. Perhaps eHarmony can include these critical findings in their much vaunted Compatibility algorithm. I have already included them in my spreadsheet!

Right Girl, Right Time, Wrong Context... Or Not?

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 03:45:47 +0000

The following is an attempt to be coherent at 3.45am. If the logic is fuzzy, the imagery abstruse and the conclusions bother on the insane, blame it on reading Malcolm Gladwell into the wee hours of the morning!

In response to my rant/ sobfest in March about losing my friend Di, LoloBloggs pointed me to a post in which she argued that the right girl, wrong time argument was merely an excuse to prime women up for the inevitable future break up. Whilst that may be true in some situations, in one of those not-so random brain waves, it crossed my mind that the rightness or wrongness of the argument was peripheral to the fact that it fit the observed data for a reason - it is pragmatic! A further thought was a what-if, what if there exists a third dimension that when coupled with the right person and the right time serves as a useful predictor of how likely a person-connection is likely to proceed beyond the realms of casual acquaintance-ship? I would like to suggest that that third dimension is that of context.

Twiddling Thumbs...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:04:00 +0000

She popped up on my IM window today – the first time in months that she has. In an oddly unsettling way, it seems odd that she appeared. Odd becuase a mere few months ago, we were seemingly inseparable. I was caught in two minds - to buzz her or not… Truth is there was never any closure. All we had was a slow drifting apart as we each sought to focus more on our own things…. In theory, we are still normal – still friends, still confidants - the only difference from the days of a somewhat burgeoning friendship being the fact that life has happened, and squeezed the ‘thing’ I thought could grow into a dry lifeless crust.

The Thing about 'Definition'.....

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 11:40:04 +0000

I am all for defining my people connections upfront (DTRs) …… The thing about them though is that they are tricky……. Too soon, and you run the risk of permanently pulverizing some real bridges before they even get built…….. Too late, and you’re mired in the morass of the ‘just friends’ zone…..

That night we had the inevitable talk and faced the ineluctable moment of truth….. Faced with a choice she said…..

You know you are a chronic bachelor when...

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:12:32 +0000

You know you are a chronic bachelor when…

People at more than two diners know you on a first name basis - clearly you have eaten out sooooo much that you are now an honorary share holder.
The favorite inside joke among your friends is about how ’easy’ your wedding will be - no need to seriously chase a little bride or a little groom as friends daughters and sons will provide that.
The scrawny little kid who used to run around naked in the streets, plastered with sand has now morphed into a delectable mid-twenties chic, and she pitches in once in a while about wanting to chop your cake!
You get unsolicited email addresses and phone numbers from your peeps. They have decided to take matters into their hands by bombarding you with options.
Your father jokingly reminds you of how he met, chased and eventually married your mother. Sadly that is about as subtle as HE can get!
You get quizzed about any girl you are remotely associated with. Even the one who owes you money and only dropped by to negotiate the payment terms!
The Uncle who has not spoken to you in aeons suddenly invites you over for a family vist three times in a month and takes you on a cruise to singles church. Mr sharp man uncle is trying to showcase your talents to the crouching wolves and hoping your bachelor tinted eyes will suddenly wake up.
Your favorite aunt snatches her baby bag from you whilst you are trying to help pack up after a family night out. Her argument is that she doesn’t want anybody to think you are either married or a single father.
You are suddenly analyzing the pros and cons of taking the chase online.
When you and your friends meet up after long absences they eventually pop the question. ‘Soooooo, gist me, what has being happening to you’. Oh and they don’t mean work!

A touching story...

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:49:38 +0000

Found this two part story, exploring the difference love can make in the life of someone on my favorite webzine - Boundless. Really touching. Enjoy Part One and Part Two.

Clarity calls.....

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 17:57:55 +0000

I don’t wanna feel like this tomorrow I don’t wanna live like this today Make me feel better I wanna feel better Stay with me here now And never surrender

Today, in a bizarre moment of clarity, I realized I had parked my bus for way too long at a bus stop that wasn’t mine… A lot of energy was dissipated, focus diluted and time irretrievably wasted in the process.. Funnily, I knew a year ago very clearly what I should have done - it was reiterated very strongly five months ago - but the deeply seated nostalgic memories continued to keep me deluded, holding me in a mistaken belief that it could work and banishing my usually ruthless streak to the background…

A Passing Fancy...

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 23:06:35 +0000

Day Zero. You meet her on one of those days. Boredom morphs into irritation, topped off with despondency. Your 8-4 (5-9) is especially dull on the day. Madam Bosco, your loud mouthed, over-bearing boss rips into you as usual over the ever yawning chasm between your targets and your deliveries. The heat seems to have major intentions of causing grievous bodily harm in any case. That is when the ‘gods’ of the internet and itchy fingers contrive to send Her your way.

The 'Just Friends' Conundrum..

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:16:00 +0000

Perhaps another slant at the ‘just friends’ conundrum is in order here. Read Uncle Theo’s take on the undefined Guy-Girl connection here.

Another Twenty Two..

Tue, 26 May 2009 19:42:15 +0000

She…..

You’re a good guy but………………

He…..

Thanks for the time, t’was appreciated…..

He ruminates….

Shoot!!! Did I just get blown off?

My very own 'Bachelor's Conundrum'

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 02:33:13 +0000

I’m at a crossroad of sorts – not life threatening, not even 5-year-plan shaking just yet, but a conundrum nonetheless…

There is the gravitation towards SAFETY; the attraction to the proverbial tried and tested terra firma, then there is the lure of ADVENTURE; the exhilarating heights that finally conquering some not so far-flung terra incognito promises, and then there is the potential SATISFACTION that finally decomposing a thorny problem promises…

Finally.. The Truth about Di....

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 21:12:15 +0000

My last post on soulmates came just about as close as it could get without being ultra personal.. Truth is I once thought I had a soulmate who I thought I had finally gotten over. Talking with someone over the weekend however rudely awakened me to the fact that I had not!

Di checked all my boxes - not just in a physical way. Warm and bubbly, super spiritual without coming across as obnoxious, intelligent, able to discuss on anything from calculus to zoology and with a really mature head on her shoulders, it looked like it was chemistry on steroids. Plus we were good friends for 20+ years….

Quick Question...... Soulmates?

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:05:00 +0000

Got into a somewhat emotive discussion with someone today that indirectly led to this question.
Is there such a thing as a “Soulmate”? Or is “Love” simply the intersection of two stochastic loci? i.e. is there “The One” or its all a random thing…

Another reason to look before you leap.........

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 05:15:00 +0000

Found this piece on the BBC Website that quotes some US research in asserting that women are at a greater risk of suffering health damage from failed marriages than their male partners in suffering. Apparently by studying 276 couples who had been married for an average of 20 yrs, it was shown that women tended to report more depression and to be at a greater risk of showing metabolic syndrome… Whilst the underlying reasons are still not fully understood, some factors considered for being responsible include women’s more complex emotional makeup and their tendency to worry more amonst others.

V-Day Blues.......

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 06:25:00 +0000

So I spent V-Day at home, with a tall glass of milk (make that several), a pack of tortilla chips flavored with some hot sauce (i forget the name) from Marks and Spencer, alternating between playing FM2009 on my laptop, popping into Facebook from time to time and trawling blogsville for the slightest attempt of a post by anyone that i hadn’t commented on whilst making sure to avoid all the mushy Hollywood guy-meets-girl-and-they-fall-in-love make believe sold as movies to the unsuspecting… Given that meant my books were left unattended to for a whole day, (unthinkable - considering i shelled out 13k pounds before the pound went into freefall that is) it might have counted as a day completely wasted…

Drifting apart..

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 13:35:03 +0000

BG called me today. There is clearly a drifting apart here. The bulk of her talk was based on the rash of people who’ve ended relationships in the last few weeks, including a number of close mutual friends. My cousin Ella thinks there are self esteem issues involved here and that I needed to reassure her of my 100% commitment. She and I are drifting apart… I just know.. Sigh.. :(

The case of the old school mates.... and other random thoughts...

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 01:38:00 +0000

Just wondering what it is with old school mates hooking up after many years… Have heard of three weddings in the last 2 months between people who were old secondary school classmates of mine…. Plus there’s one more to attend in 9ja in April – sincerely hope i can make that on its a valid excuse to hit 9ja… The pair who are getting married in April didn’t actually talk much between themselves when we were in school, well as far as I know, so i can’t just place the source of the sudden affinity..But then maybe its more a case of sticking with what you know versus venturing into worlds unknown in dating someone fresh…..

"52 weeks to find him" and an old beauty soap commercial....

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 08:16:00 +0000

Stumbled on this interesting “experiment” by Neenah Pickett. She’s taken the initiative to set up a personal website for dudes to come find her. Let’s see how it shapes up, hopefully it should open some not-normally-open doors.. Pray some of our sharp “Yahoo Yahoo” boys don’t spin her a smooth love story and bail with some of her money.. Or use her to gain a chance to sneak into America…

Can’t seem to remember how i managed to get into a discussion of soap commercials yesterday. Apparently, my flatmate had been talking with someone in Nigeria and they’d talked about the old Joy beauty soap advert where the Joy girl has a bath and takes a walk - making briefcases pop open, people overfil their glasses, doors slam shut on people’s hands - general mayhem i think…… Heard some Nigerian comedian has done a joke about being around such a girl.. If anyone has a link to a video I’d like to see it please… Have a great week y’all.. and hope the new year resoultions/ goals/ plans are making sense?….

Weekend Gists -- PH

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 12:47:00 +0000

WOW – spent my first weekend in Port Harcourt for the first time in nearly two and half years and boy did I thoroughly enjoy myself!!!! The gist was great, the kids were awesome and just being around some really cool friends made my weekend.. Didn’t know I still enjoyed being around kids that much…Great start to my birthday month….

What Girls Wish You Know?

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 19:58:00 +0000

All – Found this interesting article over at my favorite truth shop - www.boundless.org Comments anyone?

Show some respect. When it comes to respecting women, many Christian guys act no differently than the world. When I hear a man talk about other women disrespectfully, it is an immediate turn-off. Some guys will pour on the charm when they take a girl out on a date, but they don’t demonstrate the same consideration to their female friends. Even something as simple as keeping his house clean, so women feel comfortable when they visit, will make the women in his life feel valued.

Every Day I Say I Do

Sat, 19 May 2007 06:16:00 +0000

Attended a friend’s wedding fairly recently…Saw a lot of old chums, all nicely dressed, sweet looking gentlemen now – a far cry from the rowdy rabble we were a few years ago on campus. Guess the last time we saw ourselves in that number at one time was way back then in the Uni days..

We talked a lot about a lot but ultimately the discussions gravitated towards the “new life” our man had just stepped into – marriage – and the difficulties in meeting “good girls” at our stage of life. Young up and coming guys who are perceived to be doing well have the unique disadvantage of being seen as “arrived” and thus as good prospects.