I am all for defining my people connections upfront (DTRs) …… The thing about them though is that they are tricky……. Too soon, and you run the risk of permanently pulverizing some real bridges before they even get built…….. Too late, and you’re mired in the morass of the ‘just friends’ zone….. That night we had the inevitable talk and faced the ineluctable moment of truth….. Faced with a choice she said….. ...
You know you are a chronic bachelor when… People at more than two diners know you on a first name basis - clearly you have eaten out sooooo much that you are now an honorary share holder. The favorite inside joke among your friends is about how ’easy’ your wedding will be - no need to seriously chase a little bride or a little groom as friends daughters and sons will provide that. The scrawny little kid who used to run around naked in the streets, plastered with sand has now morphed into a delectable mid-twenties chic, and she pitches in once in a while about wanting to chop your cake! You get unsolicited email addresses and phone numbers from your peeps. They have decided to take matters into their hands by bombarding you with options. Your father jokingly reminds you of how he met, chased and eventually married your mother. Sadly that is about as subtle as HE can get! You get quizzed about any girl you are remotely associated with. Even the one who owes you money and only dropped by to negotiate the payment terms! The Uncle who has not spoken to you in aeons suddenly invites you over for a family vist three times in a month and takes you on a cruise to singles church. Mr sharp man uncle is trying to showcase your talents to the crouching wolves and hoping your bachelor tinted eyes will suddenly wake up. Your favorite aunt snatches her baby bag from you whilst you are trying to help pack up after a family night out. Her argument is that she doesn’t want anybody to think you are either married or a single father. You are suddenly analyzing the pros and cons of taking the chase online. When you and your friends meet up after long absences they eventually pop the question. ‘Soooooo, gist me, what has being happening to you’. Oh and they don’t mean work!
I have been involved in a mini church crawl - attended several churches over the past few weeks with the aim of finding someplace to settle. In the process, I found that people in church largely fit into one of the following classes. The irresponsible bloke: This bloke dey feel like gangsta for church. Jeans wearing, ear ring totting, chewing gum splitting type, he is often singled out for the sinner’s prayer/ deliverance. The scammer: O boy dey scan all the fine babes for the church. Instead of worshipping the Lord, bros is watching the screens -and depending on his confidence levels he might try to catch a wink occasionally. If it is a church where peeps are asked to move around and shake hands or welcome each other, free pass for bros o. He will shake and hug all the fine sisters. The Spiri bros/ sis: These types are the real members of the church. They have come to worship God, but sometimes they can over do it too o. Like skabashing very loudly, singing off key, or like one bloke in my non-Nigerian church, sway as though a strong east wind is blowing only him. These types usually gravitate to the prayer group, evangelism, sometimes Sunday school and the money counters - not very visible positions. The fine boy usher/ fine girl protocol member: These are the types that cause the most trouble in church. Dem can pose! Bro is usually decked out in a powerful perfume, correct suit and tire, and the phonetics! Chei, wahala! They don’t sit still in church o, always prancing around, so people can see them. I suspect that at least 65% of church members know them by name! The choir chic: The typical choir chic can foine! This type is usually decked out gloriously every Sunday, and when there is a need to print a handbill, oh yes, na dem dey dey the front o. Normal songs for worship, become opportunities to showcase their Carrie Underwood-esque voices. The groove man/ groove chic: These types are your semi-reformed bubblers. Dem don groove so tey, as soon as the songs start to play, especially in Naija churches, they break out into the latest adaptation of a P-square, Wande Coal or Makossa dance steps (You get the drift). Needless to say, they usually sleep through the sermon as they have over spent their energy. The would-be intellectual: This types - usually blokes - think they have heard it all. From Aristotle to Socrates, from Blaise Pascal to CS Lewis they have heard all the finer arguments for and against the existence of God. They usually appear in church once in a while, sit at the back and look condenscendingly at the delusion of others around them. The Gizmo Kid: These types are usually blokes again, but I have seen quite a few female versions. Bible on the iPhone or iPod, ear phones plugged in until church starts, dem can pose!
Perhaps some inconvenience is better than exotic solutions. This house got wrecked by an attempt to kill weeds with a flame thrower.
So after a maelstrom 12 days of travel and activity; 7 cities, 4 major events, and lots of travel time I’m finally back to hopefully face my books squarely. Thankfully, I met all but one of the 9 key objectives I set out to achieve. I had three full hours to kill at Heathrow both ways and for want of something more mentally challenging to do, I decided to try to categorize the African/ Naija people around.. I thought they fit broadly into ten categories.. Enjoy…. ...
They say the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh… Heard some really heart wrenching news today after signing on to Yahoo Messenger on a whim. An old friend of mine is no more - dead.. The worst part is that she’d been dead for over a year, and I only got to know today.