The one thing laying the ghosts of the EJ debacle to rest did was to finally free me up mentally to move on after what had been a horrendous six months of torture. On here as in real life, I was beginning to sound like a broken record with my endless whining and musing about what was a lost cause from day zero. In looking to go forward, I made the basic error of falling for the Dalglish conjecture. [The Dalglish conjecture is the fancy way I describe one party in a good friend situation suddenly developing romantic feelings and hoping they will be reciprocated, almost as a rebound.]
I did the needful, took a week off work, booked plane tickets and ran away to Chicago to resolve my unfinished business. Between my being extremely nervous and TheB having a hot case at work, we never got to have any serious talks. There were the occasional surface skimming talks though - like how a kid playing on the ground in one of the stores we popped into drew a comment from her as to how she was never going to allow her children play so indiscrimminately, or how something else prompted her into saying she was going to work hard and long for the next few years before children and marriage would come into the picture. All in all, four days after dropping everything and leaving St Fergus, it was no clearer if there was an opportunity, or where I fit in her life, and the bulk of the responsibility for that lay squarely in my lap for missing a number of windows of opportunity.
Post Chicago, there were a few text messages, delayed replies (both ways) and what I sensed was an over arching recticence to enngage ourselves in any communication that could be construed as something else. From where I stand my Chi-town adventure was ok - not a soaring success but came with some positives. For one, it has helped me put the final nails in the coffin of my EJ memories; clearing one more thing off my 40 by 40 list - a trip down the Chicago River was an added bonus.
As for me and dating, it does look increasingly reasonable to expect that only a clean break, and a fresh start will suffice. SquareZero beckons.. Sigh