And so I decided I’d had enough of being neither here nor there with TOj, and asked her if she was seeing someone. The good news was that she wasn’t; the somewhat crushing bad was that in her words, there wasn’t even a sliver of interest in yours truly….. #Unravelled
Image Source I catch myself sighing - Laboured breath held, And then expelled Like the unsteady, Weary chug of a steam Locomotive as it drags Its weighty backsides Up a steep incline. My dreams, a hurried, Harried concoction Of fevered, whispered Half phrases and fearsome Visions of a searing inner fire Haunt me, my mind Slowly numbed by the intense, Unforgettable clarity of a growing insanity And the delirium of delusion. The first time I saw you You were a distant- blob of light, bright pink, shimmering red, blazing sun- shine, driving dirty, grey snow into the corner of Kings and Guilds. Between there and here Is something irretrievably broken a gangrenous, festering sore That refuses to heal, its ochre Colour, the colour of dried blood. I catch myself sighing, Laboured breath held And then expelled slowly Like a puff of cigar smoke. But in the distance, Like a storm cloud bringing rain after a drought Is the redemption of the forget-ting
TOj and I have maintained extensive conversations over the last couple of weeks or so. But in what must surely count for an oddity, the outcome of the conversations is the sense of being neither here nor there. It might be the fact that we have always known each other in a different context that’s added a layer of awkwardness to it all. The big question, looming large at the back of my mind therefore is if it’s time to cut my losses to ensure we remain just friends, or if it’s worth the gamble of finding out how she feels about me.
Post London, TOj and I have kept in touch - primarily extended conversations about everything; work, life, failed loves and the stereotypes of Nigerian dudes in London as being primarily baby mama creators rather than the marrying kind. Not sure where that leaves me, being the never married, single-since-April-2011 dude who has only being in two relationships all his life. We do have a knack for great conversations between us, it must be said, in addition to all the elements of the future Mrs S spreadsheet that she checks. ...
The most resounding lesson I learned in 2012 - on the subject of dating - was that I had had the wrong focus. In writing up lists, developing strategies and being gung-ho about the women in my life, I may have missed the point. If I must make true progress through 2013, a paradigm shift of sorts is most required. In focusing almost exclusively on finding a wife, I may have focused far too much on the what and the potential whos and not enough on myself and the key question - am I living the sort of life the man the sort of woman I would want to marry would commit to? The great woman whose life I am meant to improve (even as she significantly improves mine) will have certain standards and values which I have to meet. If I gave myself a really good, long hard look I have to admit that although I meet most of the financial, physical and social criteria such a woman might want, my various worldview issues mean that I am not in a place to deliver the sort of spiritual leadership such a woman would crave. ...
Definitely blown, and I think at its core the failed dalliance was of my own making in being too keen. Given the year I’d had - with close on 18 months without any interest in females as I sought to deal with the lingering wounds and the fall out from the last serious relationship - I suppose I could be forgiven for letting go too quickly when a smart, attractive young woman who ticked all the critical boxes suddenly came into the picture. I’d sworn I was over E a year ago, but not until the fates conspired to bring L my way did the realisation that I had grossly understated the extent of the pain I still was in sink in. ...
Although a year and some ago I thought I had truly gotten over the pain of the EJ debacle, I still managed to spend Christmas stateside attending a wedding, hanging with mutual friends and kind of hoping I would run into her. Neither happened, and when push came to shove I couldn’t bring myself to take the short hop across town to the city where she now lived. Coming into 2012 then, the targe t was to resolve a number of the other friendzoneships I had somehow gotten sucked in over the years. ...
Between too many cooks - my friend OO was overly keen to play match maker and may have spilled too much information - and my being a little bit too keen for meetups and hangouts, my girl crush might have been spooked :( I do need my life back - the controlled, spread sheet driven, ordered experience that it used to be, not one filled with long nights tossing and turning, pondering innumerable what-ifs and why/why not my messages have not been replied….. ...
I think I have a crush. …… And what is perhaps most disconcerting about the waxing and waning of this particular attraction is just how atypical its advent has been. For one she is well and truly outside the +/- 2.5 year band that I once swore to live and die by… And perhaps most importantly, the sum of our interaction over the last one month, one week and six days has been fifteen emails, five phone calls and one handshake; hardly a compelling oeuvre for a bloke whose standard MO - bar the not exactly happily-ever-after spring mis adventure from 2009 - has primarily been based on weighing pros and cons, extensive googling due diligence and incremental engagement rather than a full on pursuit. ...
More of the same fare form the last few months I think: MoSli’s gone dark this last week, prior to that we had good conversations, even providing [largely unhelpful] thoughts on some dresses she was looking to order for her big 3-0 birthday jaunt. Mme.P emailed out of the blue - I’d missed the opportunity to catch up with her when she was in London and quite frankly I was beginning to think it was an opportunity that was long lost., fingers crossed Meesha and I have had two telephone conversations which ended very well if i say so, and we’ve a meetup planned. On a strategy level, I do need to get some clarity in my head. Have been reading the He’s Just Not That Into You, and I suppose some of the excuses hit close home. Long story short, if I really am into a girl, I have to toss off my natural reservations and let her know….. Interesting ...